July 13, 2010

Sheesh! Way to make me feel guilty, Ben... (JK, BFF)

Good day/Bad day?: Good, then hit the wall

Thanks to the hubby for a little perspective there... In the grand scheme of things, I absolutely am lucky to not have so many other fundamentals to worry about. For cripe's sake, I have the ability to blog about my CA instead of working my ass off for $7 a day--I have the luxury of being self-indulgent. Maybe that Oprah was on to something with the gratitude journal deal...

That said, I will still have some less than perky days. Case in point. I worked a full day and actually spent most of the day doing things and plugging along. I talked to the med oncologist on the way to pick up Olive, so maybe that made me more serious. Nothing majorly surprising, just confirmed that my lymph node biopsy was positive for CA, too, and talked about the pros and cons of switching the traditional surgery then chemo timing. There's no right or wrong way to go in their minds, which is reassuring and yet doesn't help the decision-making process.

Maybe I'm just tired--been up later the last week or so. Maybe (well, yeah) there's a little grieving going on, which I know I always feel physically. I can't remember who I was talking to about it, but some days I feel with this diagnosis the way I remember feeling when my mom was dying and after her death. It's a heaviness, and a feeling like you're a little alien as you move through the world and watch the ordinariness of many other things around you. On the flip side, it makes you realize that anyone you meet could be in a similar place and have the world on their shoulders. This is all an ongoing exercise in perspectives, isn't it?

My arm and shoulder also hurt on the CA/biopsy side (node biopsy made me more sore than the breast one) today, very achy. It makes it uncomfortable to hold the bebe for too long. Boo.

There's plenty more I could talk through on any given day, but I'm going to sign off now and brush my teeth (lots of cookies--thanks Joanna!). Sweet dreams!

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