February 11, 2013


You know, sometimes you should know when to take the u-turn down memory lane and when to stop yourself.  I went further down the road then I should have today and it left me in a mood.  

In trying to remember my chemo regimen to share with another unfortunate diagnosee, I read back through far more of these entries than I should have.  It was like watching myself slowly get deconstructed.  Remembered how I got my funky scars, the hospital trips, the waiting, the worrying and uncertainty.  Deconstructed my relationships with others during that time, too, and am being hard on myself in hindsight. 

 I know it's not helpful and not necessary, but it's like watching your own car wreck and you can't turn away.  Even though the next chapter is good, at least so far!  It's just leaving me feeling exposed again--bald, boobless, unable to hide weaknesses and hide the impact of it all, even though I have done a lot of rebuilding since that time.  Not sure what to do with it right now.  I'm feeling the losses of that whole period.  Even recreating that time feels like there's a lot missing, that I'm just getting my narrow field of vision and I want the greater context so I can find more meaning in it.

Don't get me wrong--I have much happiness now.  I am okay, I am good.  I have a different sense of empathy now that I hope makes me better at being there for others.  I can live much more in the moment.  Today I am just acutely aware that while my bad moments may have passed for now, they are very active for others, and I feel it in my bones.  Hold on tight, my friends and loved ones--we will get through it soon.