Looking Back

Good day/Bad day?: Good

Weekend wrap-up: Friday was breakfast out for a berries & cream waffle at Lazy Jane's, then 1.5 hrs OT appt. I have mild to moderate R arm swelling, to be managed with compression sleeve and exercises for now, many more interventions if that doesn't work. Compression sleeves = not attractive at all (there's a glove, too)! Hopefully I can get the swelling back down in the next month, but it's weekly appts for that for a while. Well, the spa getaway that I needed for me was not at all what my arm wanted--I knew I was taking a chance. Then lunch & nap, then Julie hung out with Olive while Ben & I had a lovely evening out (Merchant was yummy!).

Saturday was a lot of Olive hanging out after breakfast with Julie. We had a very extended playground visit in the afternoon. She loved the slide and swings, felt the pebbles, and met a 6 wk old puppy. And Ben bought his new 'cycle, so his April trip is back on. He could not stop smiling, and he certainly deserves it!

Today was a lot more Olive time, too--went to the bakery, hung out, then went to Gene & Kate's for dinner--thanks a bunch!

So Friday was 5 years since Mom died. I don't have any particular ritual or anything, but I certainly thought about her throughout the day. I wrote a long-overdue letter to one of her good friends, too, that I've been meaning to write for years. It seems like no time at all has gone by, and yet when I recount what's happened in the last 5 yrs, it feels like an eternity. We seem to never slow down on our major life events around here! I'm not in a bad place on the anniversary, but in those years Ben & I have built a home and a family and a life that I'm proud of, and I just wish she could be around to see it. It's hard to imagine what it'd be like to have her here for other things, though, because do I imagine healthy Mom, sick Mom,...? Part of me is glad she doesn't have to watch me go through this and relive her own battles. But of course I miss her. This is exactly the kind of experience where you want your mommy.

And again, I have a new perspective on her cancer journey, and I wish I could go back in time and support her in a different way knowing what I know now. But she did it her way, was stubbornly independent about a lot of things although I was able to help out through some of it. I've been able to learn lessons from that--I certainly have my pride, but I've had to change what that means in this process. Now, instead of being too proud to ask for help, I'm proud of what I've been able to keep doing through this process while letting go of a lot. More than that, even, I'm proud of the team of incredible friends and family I've been lucky to assemble around me during this time.

(Pssst! That means you... Thank you.)

Looking forward? Tuesday is radiation day #1, and then a bajillion more appointments for many things to cram into the next month or 2. Now that's what I call fun...