March 17, 2011

Mine

Good day/Bad day?: Mmmmm

Spaaaaaaaaaaaa. Yes, I'm taking a break from hot tubs to write a post, but I have plenty of time to get back to it. Yesterday was a facial/sinus massage, and today was a body massage with acupressure. Nice, nice, nice. Ben joined me yesterday evening for dinner and a night of enjoying room amenities--2-person whirlpool/riverbath, fancy shower with 6 showerheads, very comfy bed, and cable! And, to class up the joint, he got a 6-pack of Point. He hung out for a while this AM, but now it's all me.

So yes, this getaway is about relaxing and "pampering" and all that, but it's becoming a lot more. It's about reclaiming my body. Today, while I was having my massage, I was reconnected to the fact that I have a body and we need to have a good relationship. Oh yeah, there's my right elbow. That's what my calves are feeling like these days. I'm getting more sensation back in my feet. All these little things to get back in touch with.

It's so different than all the changes that come with being pregnant. Your body is amazing and goes through all these changes and can actually grow a little person inside you. You have this wonderful outcome and pride because of the cool results of having your body taken over for a while. I've been taken over for almost as long, and I don't get to have the same kind of happy ending. Relief, maybe, but even that's guarded.

I've been in survival mode for a long time now. I think I've really had a fight-or-flight stress response for a lot of that time. I detached from this body that had to go through so much and has given me so much grief--so many aches and pains and unpleasant sensations. I had to detach. It was just a husk that kept getting remodelled. God, my arms alone have had to carry so much, literally and figuratively, in a weakened state. I hate to say that I feel like my body "betrayed" me, but...kinda. Now it's time to make up and find some forgiveness. Now it's time to try to feel good in my own skin again. Now it's time to trust my body, trust that it's doing everything it can to support me. Sigh. I don't know how to do that. This is a step, but it's going to take an awfully long time. No pep talks needed, just understanding...

3 comments:

ee said...

Thanks for sharing all you're going through. Amazing insight thus far and incredible work yet to be done. Enjoy your time with yourself. You are amazing and deserve it.

Elevation said...

so glad you're taking a time out to reconnect with yourself.. you and your body deserve it.. enjoy.. xoxo

Mia said...

MINE! Such a great title to frame your experience. Also a word Olive will employ frequently before long!