January 10, 2011

In a funk

Good day/Bad day?: Not great

I'm not sure how to share where I'm at today, and not sure why today is the way it is. Feeling a little introspective, I guess, looking both backwards and ahead.

I don't know why, but I'm looking back over my treatment course so far and having not regrets per se, but some questions for myself. Maybe more being hard on myself. Like why I haven't pursued other therapies more persistently--I've had acupuncture and craniosacral but not regularly, saw an integrative medicine MD but haven't done follow-up since, have taken some supplements but not consistently, etc., etc. I know it's never too late to start taking care of yourself and all that jazz, but right now for me it's been easier to just get lost in the routine and the everyday of home, work, child, husband and so forth rather than change my life. There's the whole school of thought that cancer's supposed to be a wake-up call and a chance to do that. Am I missing out on this chance? Am I missing the point of it all?

It's not that I haven't learned any lessons through this. I just still feel weird taking time to get focused on me and feel selfish in the process. I know, I also have plenty of people tell me I should be selfish right now, but it feels disingenuous and forced to do that. Not that I'm totally selfless and never selfish in everyday life, but I don't know if there's a way I can do it and still feel good and not bratty, you know?

So here I will struggle. It's also coming up now because, if cancer's this opportunity to treat myself right, then I also feel like I'm running out of time to do it! Really, 6 weeks isn't that much more time, and I don't feel like I'll be given the same leeway once treatment is done. Maybe, again, that's all in my head, but I expect the world will expect me to heal and move on in a timely manner. I've certainly heard about the grieving process and/or depression that comes for a lot of patients when the intensity of treatment and the support that comes with it comes to an end. I'm starting to anticipate it and it's worrying me. I know it's going to take me a long time to feel some sort of "normal" after Feb, so how do I share that with the rest of the world and get permission to be where I need to be with it?

So to lighten it up, what do I do to celebrate when I'm done? I'm open to suggestions.


Sue said...

take down your pants and slide on the ice - no, not making light of your thoughtful comments. your support system will still be there so use it until you feel right (not I shouldn't need this). In some ways this makes me think of PTSD - and by that I mean, if this isn't traumatic/disruptive to your life, I don't know what is ... give yourself time when you need to. You and Ben have been remarkable as you march through this.

Joiner of Fine Furniture said...

FIL suggests eat more dark chocolate. Wash it down with hot dark chocolate cocoa.

Kathy said...

Maybe you didn't pursue the other therapies as consistently because they didn't "deliver" the way you hoped they would; maybe because one more appointment is sometimes more than a person can commit to. MIL advice is to let it happen, see where it goes; I have great faith that you'll find the way best for you to be post chemotherapy and unrequested view of old age aches and pains...Life is meant to be lived, not necessarily planned for in detail. I think you'll find yourself loving your extra time and energy and everything else will fall into place. I'm a fan of the dark chocolate and sliding on the ice too.