June 16, 2011


Good day/Bad day?: pretty good but tiring

I've been having some full days at work lately, which for me is a long, long day. I'm feeling a little bad about taking extra hours or days off because I'll be taking 2 weeks for Olive's surgery/recovery.

So, I haven't talked a huge amount our marriage here because I want to keep a lot of what is between Ben & me just between us. But I don't think it's too much to reveal that--guess what?--all of this has been a big challenge for our relationship. The cancer and the surgery and the treatment was enough, but now just as we try to take a breath, there's the next challenge. And then there's all the changes to me that won't go away. And there's all the concern for what this could mean for the future. And for Olive's risks. And risks for another kid. And. And. And. And this is the stuff of a life together.

Needless to say, Ben & I both have our fair share of resentment toward this stupid disease. Unfortunately, it can become easy to let that bleed into resentment toward each other. Or at least the impression that there's resentment toward each other. Of course, still feeling a little vulnerable and guilty with all this havoc, I'm very prone to guessing that it's there. We're working it all out, but needless to say there have been more deep conversations about the state of things than a thousand Bens would ever sign up to have. So we keep at it.

Just like Johnny and June...


Sue said...

as long ... july 2010 and now again - as long

Sue said...

and yay to you both btw

Kathy said...

In our relationship, we have sometimes found the back burner to be a useful place to store things for a while, not feeling compelled to reach a decision or come to a conclusion, just letting them simmer for a while and become what they will. Some may think of that as not taking charge; it could also be thought of as trust that the "right thing" will evolve.

Olive's risks are 50-50 as Eddie pointed out to me several months ago. I'm guessing there are risks besides cancer that are 50-50 and yet, we don't think of them too much when it comes to Olive. Neither her life nor yours, Jenny, should be defined by fear. It will be your hardest task yet to live without fear.

From the Tao of Motherhood (McClure):
There are two kinds of courage.

There is the passionate bravery which gets people killed. This kind of courage is inherent; either you have it or you don't. It is the bravery of a mother who would die shielding her child from a killer's bullet.

The second type of courage is developed through daily practice. It is the inner strength to do what must be done, to make rational plans and carry them out, to face difficulty and overcome obstacles. It is the bravery of a mother who makes personal sacrifices for her children's well-being, and then is able to let them go their own destinies.****

It took a year to get where you are...the new you is a really good person, just as the old you was. We can all see that.