Good day/Bad day?: Okay
Had a lovely breakfast and chat with my sistas to start the day, then had many phone calls and e-correspondence, including with a couple great friends I don't get to talk to much. Even have a couple of visits lined up to see them, which is outstanding. Also had a visit from my lovely friend and coworker Joanna, she of the warm fuzzy refillable cookies, which was very nice (except Punkin' wasn't very nice--not cool for the pregnant lady!) Then started feeling a little ishy before dinner and was a little low-key the rest of the day. I'm wondering if this is how my body processes anesthesia (with waves of nausea out of nowhere) since I've never had it before. Good practice for chemo??
Then Olive was a fussy fuss tonight, very difficult to get to bed. I think she's still got the ear/throat thing even after finishing the antibiotic. Not fun, so we may have a trip to the clinic tomorrow if she's no better. Mary's a super-trooper at sticking with a screamy baby, though. Useful skill!
Ben's furiously trying to get his cycle working again before a rally in Milw tomorrow--the saga continues...Goodnight!
August 6, 2010
August 5, 2010
Good news, everybody!
(In my best professor voice, 'cause we've been watching Futurama reruns)
Good day/Bad day?: Good (I kind of gave it away in the title...)
Yeah, it was a busier day than most so far, which is still not that busy. My 2 big things were going in to get 2 of my drains out--to be honest, I was kind of dreading it and thinking it would hurt like the dickens, but again, really not a whole lot of sensation in the area! Thank you to Mary for offering a hand to sqeeze even though it turned out not to be needed. The other was getting my pathology reports from the surgeon today. Few highlights: the L side had no cancer found at all, the R tumor was a little smaller than anticipated (2.2x1.7cm), clear margins all around, no other R side tumors, and of all 22 nodes on that side, the only one with cancer spread was the very one they biopsied initially. The "suspicious" ones from the scans were enlarged but had no cancer! I was fully prepared for 3 or more nodes involved. That's really good to feel a lot more solid in not doing radiation after chemo, because I was concerned about the side effects of the radiation on top of taking out my nodes on that side. I'll still sit down and hear them out, but I'm really leaning away from radiation, too.
It's interesting, because for some reason I couldn't help myself from going in the direction of thinking, "Should I have had as much taken off as I did?", both with the nodes and the other side. I'm over it and know that I made the best decision I could with the info I had, and I'm greatly reducing my risk of recurrence and a new primary cancer. Still interesting that second guessing can be such an automatic thing...
Another one of these times I'll talk, too, about what this experience has given me to think about for Mom's course with breast cancer. Tonight, though, Mary & I stayed up a little later watching a George Clooney movie and it's time for bed (2 more good things!).
Tomorrow, looking forward to breakfast with my sistas and maybe another visitor or 2. Thank you for all the great messages of support that keep coming!
Good day/Bad day?: Good (I kind of gave it away in the title...)
Yeah, it was a busier day than most so far, which is still not that busy. My 2 big things were going in to get 2 of my drains out--to be honest, I was kind of dreading it and thinking it would hurt like the dickens, but again, really not a whole lot of sensation in the area! Thank you to Mary for offering a hand to sqeeze even though it turned out not to be needed. The other was getting my pathology reports from the surgeon today. Few highlights: the L side had no cancer found at all, the R tumor was a little smaller than anticipated (2.2x1.7cm), clear margins all around, no other R side tumors, and of all 22 nodes on that side, the only one with cancer spread was the very one they biopsied initially. The "suspicious" ones from the scans were enlarged but had no cancer! I was fully prepared for 3 or more nodes involved. That's really good to feel a lot more solid in not doing radiation after chemo, because I was concerned about the side effects of the radiation on top of taking out my nodes on that side. I'll still sit down and hear them out, but I'm really leaning away from radiation, too.
It's interesting, because for some reason I couldn't help myself from going in the direction of thinking, "Should I have had as much taken off as I did?", both with the nodes and the other side. I'm over it and know that I made the best decision I could with the info I had, and I'm greatly reducing my risk of recurrence and a new primary cancer. Still interesting that second guessing can be such an automatic thing...
Another one of these times I'll talk, too, about what this experience has given me to think about for Mom's course with breast cancer. Tonight, though, Mary & I stayed up a little later watching a George Clooney movie and it's time for bed (2 more good things!).
Tomorrow, looking forward to breakfast with my sistas and maybe another visitor or 2. Thank you for all the great messages of support that keep coming!
August 4, 2010
Every other day
Good day/Bad day?: Partly sunny
I think I'm finding that I alternate days now--yesterday was pretty seemless, today I was fighting the woozies again for a while. But that's okay and was a good excuse for 2 naps! I'm trying to cut back a little on the pain pills but have essentially bruising on my chest wall that just aches persistently after a while, so it's a delicate balance. At least I haven't had the healing kind of itching yet, and I'm hoping the lack of nerves along my incisions means I won't really have it, because that could be a beast.
I did get out and go with Mary for the daycare drop-off and pick-ups today, so that's progress! I'm thinking in a day or 2 I'll feel bold enough to take her out for some breakfast and maybe an errand or 2. Tomorrow we'll probably go in and have 2 of my drains taken out, so I'll likely be down to one until next week. Whoa, that was a lot of 2s in one paragraph!
I don't have any new insights today and am just taking it as it comes. The more you talk to people, the more you realize everybody's got something going on--the cancer card sounds important and intimidating and I'll reserve the right to use it, but it doesn't win some of the shittiest-day battles, does it?
I think I'm finding that I alternate days now--yesterday was pretty seemless, today I was fighting the woozies again for a while. But that's okay and was a good excuse for 2 naps! I'm trying to cut back a little on the pain pills but have essentially bruising on my chest wall that just aches persistently after a while, so it's a delicate balance. At least I haven't had the healing kind of itching yet, and I'm hoping the lack of nerves along my incisions means I won't really have it, because that could be a beast.
I did get out and go with Mary for the daycare drop-off and pick-ups today, so that's progress! I'm thinking in a day or 2 I'll feel bold enough to take her out for some breakfast and maybe an errand or 2. Tomorrow we'll probably go in and have 2 of my drains taken out, so I'll likely be down to one until next week. Whoa, that was a lot of 2s in one paragraph!
I don't have any new insights today and am just taking it as it comes. The more you talk to people, the more you realize everybody's got something going on--the cancer card sounds important and intimidating and I'll reserve the right to use it, but it doesn't win some of the shittiest-day battles, does it?
August 3, 2010
Better
Good day/Bad day?: Good
Feeling much better than yesterday--started off the AM a bit nauseous, but it got better quickly. I had a lovely visit from Val bearing oatmeal pancakes and bacon from Manna to brighten my morning and do some catching up--thanks, dear! Then had a bit of an afternoon rest, a delightful sandwich that made me happy (don't ask me why I'm telling you, but it was turkey with olive tapenade, a bit of mayo, and a fresh garden tomato--should've added a little crunch with cucumber), and another lovely visit, this time from Erica. So, to answer a question to no one in particular, yes I'm up for visitors most of the time, and if I'm not I'll be honest with you.
Still haven't left the house, but I'm going to dip my toes in tomorrow AM and take Olive to daycare with Mary to help settle her in. Don't plan on much more ambitious than that and will likely have some more naps than today!
Thank you again and 'bye to Kathy, who's been invaluable. And welcome to my sister Mary, who'll quickly remember what it was like when her kids were little...
I'm trying to start thinking of what will be helpful for me to do with this little chunk of time before I go back to work. I'd love to go on some sort of spiritual journey and figure out what it all means, but A) a little premature, and B) I'll still be uncomfortable for a while. So, in other words, I have to figure out little things that will be enjoyable and fill me up a little without being too taxing. Got some pondering to do, and may very well wind up watching crappy TV and being lazy instead of something more enlightened. We'll see. Let the chips fall where they may.
Oh, BTW, I'm sorry there haven't been any other pictures of interest in a while--Ben and I haven't coordinated our photo downloads and sharing very well yet. We'll throw some in soon!
Feeling much better than yesterday--started off the AM a bit nauseous, but it got better quickly. I had a lovely visit from Val bearing oatmeal pancakes and bacon from Manna to brighten my morning and do some catching up--thanks, dear! Then had a bit of an afternoon rest, a delightful sandwich that made me happy (don't ask me why I'm telling you, but it was turkey with olive tapenade, a bit of mayo, and a fresh garden tomato--should've added a little crunch with cucumber), and another lovely visit, this time from Erica. So, to answer a question to no one in particular, yes I'm up for visitors most of the time, and if I'm not I'll be honest with you.
Still haven't left the house, but I'm going to dip my toes in tomorrow AM and take Olive to daycare with Mary to help settle her in. Don't plan on much more ambitious than that and will likely have some more naps than today!
Thank you again and 'bye to Kathy, who's been invaluable. And welcome to my sister Mary, who'll quickly remember what it was like when her kids were little...
I'm trying to start thinking of what will be helpful for me to do with this little chunk of time before I go back to work. I'd love to go on some sort of spiritual journey and figure out what it all means, but A) a little premature, and B) I'll still be uncomfortable for a while. So, in other words, I have to figure out little things that will be enjoyable and fill me up a little without being too taxing. Got some pondering to do, and may very well wind up watching crappy TV and being lazy instead of something more enlightened. We'll see. Let the chips fall where they may.
Oh, BTW, I'm sorry there haven't been any other pictures of interest in a while--Ben and I haven't coordinated our photo downloads and sharing very well yet. We'll throw some in soon!
August 2, 2010
Rough around the edges, green around the gills...
Good day/Bad day?: Little bad
I was getting a little ahead of myself not really feeling "sick" since I've been home, but today was a different beast. Not dramatically so, but I was a little paler than the last few days. I was sick to my stomach for the first time since the hospital and a little nauseous throughout the day, and taking the nausea meds made me sleepier. Good thing Olive was in day care or I would have felt worse about not playing with her. I felt bad enough having Kathy fly through the house with her chore list and actually take on mopping the laundry room!
Speaking of Olive, I'm feeling a little weird because she's starting to react less to me, look for hugs less, be soothed by me less. Maybe it's my imagination, but I'm feeling a change. If so, she's doing what she needs to do and gravitating to the people who can do more caregiving, but I wonder what it'll be like in however many weeks when I'm able to get back in there. Will it come back easily, or will she fight me? Luckily, she's pretty easy-going when it comes to new people, 'cause this shouldn't have to be hard on both of us...
Tomorrow evening will be a changing of the guard with Kathy leaving and Mary coming. Good luck, Mary! Kathy's written 3 pages of "things to know", i.e. Jenny's "way" of doing things that makes me feel more high-maintenance than I thought I was (most of it daughter-related). At least Ben seemed surprised that there was that much to warn people about!
So, how am I doing? I'm feeling pretty schlumpy today and wondering when I'll feel fit to go back out in public again, hiding from the world in my p.j.s. I'm reading more about the cancer, which I need to do for my own satisfaction, but it also makes me walk ahead to the chemo part of things and start to get scared. One step at a time.
On the plus side, got a cookie bouquet (thanks, Sue!) and goodies from Ben's grandma, including fudge--yay! Here's hoping the stomach's better tomorrow.
I'm wondering if people want to see my chest or if that would freak them out. Should we do voting? I almost want to post a picture so that the surprise is gone... I'll think about it, and feel free to give your feedback. Goodnight!
I was getting a little ahead of myself not really feeling "sick" since I've been home, but today was a different beast. Not dramatically so, but I was a little paler than the last few days. I was sick to my stomach for the first time since the hospital and a little nauseous throughout the day, and taking the nausea meds made me sleepier. Good thing Olive was in day care or I would have felt worse about not playing with her. I felt bad enough having Kathy fly through the house with her chore list and actually take on mopping the laundry room!
Speaking of Olive, I'm feeling a little weird because she's starting to react less to me, look for hugs less, be soothed by me less. Maybe it's my imagination, but I'm feeling a change. If so, she's doing what she needs to do and gravitating to the people who can do more caregiving, but I wonder what it'll be like in however many weeks when I'm able to get back in there. Will it come back easily, or will she fight me? Luckily, she's pretty easy-going when it comes to new people, 'cause this shouldn't have to be hard on both of us...
Tomorrow evening will be a changing of the guard with Kathy leaving and Mary coming. Good luck, Mary! Kathy's written 3 pages of "things to know", i.e. Jenny's "way" of doing things that makes me feel more high-maintenance than I thought I was (most of it daughter-related). At least Ben seemed surprised that there was that much to warn people about!
So, how am I doing? I'm feeling pretty schlumpy today and wondering when I'll feel fit to go back out in public again, hiding from the world in my p.j.s. I'm reading more about the cancer, which I need to do for my own satisfaction, but it also makes me walk ahead to the chemo part of things and start to get scared. One step at a time.
On the plus side, got a cookie bouquet (thanks, Sue!) and goodies from Ben's grandma, including fudge--yay! Here's hoping the stomach's better tomorrow.
I'm wondering if people want to see my chest or if that would freak them out. Should we do voting? I almost want to post a picture so that the surprise is gone... I'll think about it, and feel free to give your feedback. Goodnight!
August 1, 2010
Settling in...
Good day/bad day?: Both
First, a thank you to my wonderful Ben for that last post. I can't imagine what it's like to be in his shoes because I have a hard enough time figuring out what it's like to be in mine. He didn't do or say one wrong thing, is in there with it right in his face and just changing the dressings, helping me wash my hair, etc. without batting an eyelash.
I kind of feel the same way, but that's because I don't think I believe it yet. I can look in the mirror and look down at myself and intellectually know what's happened, but I don't think I know it's not going to be undone yet. I'm sure a lot of this journey will be like that. I'll just keep moving forward, a bit incredulous and maybe a bit in denial. We'll see.
All in all, I'm doing much better than I expected, having less pain, more mobility. For the nurses in the audience, I have 3 JP drains that I can manage myself, and my suture lines are covered with steri-strips and don't really need anything over them. Not as involved as I imagined. The mobility changes and loss of feeling and sensation are what I don't think you can anticipate, throughout the front of my chest, into my armpits and down the back of my arms. Pins & needles doesn't do it justice, but it's different than pain. Weird.
Struggling already with not being able to hold Olive. I can sit at the table and feed her, and hug her somewhat, but the rest is limited. This is going to be an extra long recovery...
Special thanks to my MIL Kathy for doing everything and trying to make it sound like you're enjoying it!
First, a thank you to my wonderful Ben for that last post. I can't imagine what it's like to be in his shoes because I have a hard enough time figuring out what it's like to be in mine. He didn't do or say one wrong thing, is in there with it right in his face and just changing the dressings, helping me wash my hair, etc. without batting an eyelash.
I kind of feel the same way, but that's because I don't think I believe it yet. I can look in the mirror and look down at myself and intellectually know what's happened, but I don't think I know it's not going to be undone yet. I'm sure a lot of this journey will be like that. I'll just keep moving forward, a bit incredulous and maybe a bit in denial. We'll see.
All in all, I'm doing much better than I expected, having less pain, more mobility. For the nurses in the audience, I have 3 JP drains that I can manage myself, and my suture lines are covered with steri-strips and don't really need anything over them. Not as involved as I imagined. The mobility changes and loss of feeling and sensation are what I don't think you can anticipate, throughout the front of my chest, into my armpits and down the back of my arms. Pins & needles doesn't do it justice, but it's different than pain. Weird.
Struggling already with not being able to hold Olive. I can sit at the table and feed her, and hug her somewhat, but the rest is limited. This is going to be an extra long recovery...
Special thanks to my MIL Kathy for doing everything and trying to make it sound like you're enjoying it!
A little late
Leave it to me to ruin a track record of at least a post a day. Jenny was too tired yesterday to post and asked me to do it. I guess I was too tired too. In any case, here are the happenings of yesterday:
We had quite a few visitors through the day, and we now have enough food to make it through the winter. Thanks everyone for all the good stuff and for taking time to visit with us. I think a huge component of getting through this is knowing how much support we have.
I helped Jenny bathe and change dressings yesterday, which was my first good look at everything. I had caught glimpses when nurses were poking around at the hospital but no "full frontal" until now. I didn't know what to expect or how I'd feel about it, and I kind of sheltered myself from information about the procedure so I could draw my own conclusions. Well, when I saw Jenny's non-boobs, I was not grossed out at all, and I didn't feel sorry for her. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it was more of a point of fascination than anything. I guess the scientist/DIY guy/knowledge seeker in me kicked in and all of a sudden I was done sheltering myself from the particulars of the procedure and wanted to now everything about how it's done. What I'm getting at is that any kind of issues I thought I might have are just not there. Nothing has changed for me in the way I look at Jenny or the way I feel about her. I'm glad for that.
Jen is an amazingly beautiful person and doesn't need boobs to prove it. I'd rather have Jenny sans boobs than no Jenny any day. All of the things in this life are temporary and constantly changing, and I think the best thing to do is ride the wave and look for that beauty that's hiding in every ugly thing.
We had quite a few visitors through the day, and we now have enough food to make it through the winter. Thanks everyone for all the good stuff and for taking time to visit with us. I think a huge component of getting through this is knowing how much support we have.
I helped Jenny bathe and change dressings yesterday, which was my first good look at everything. I had caught glimpses when nurses were poking around at the hospital but no "full frontal" until now. I didn't know what to expect or how I'd feel about it, and I kind of sheltered myself from information about the procedure so I could draw my own conclusions. Well, when I saw Jenny's non-boobs, I was not grossed out at all, and I didn't feel sorry for her. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it was more of a point of fascination than anything. I guess the scientist/DIY guy/knowledge seeker in me kicked in and all of a sudden I was done sheltering myself from the particulars of the procedure and wanted to now everything about how it's done. What I'm getting at is that any kind of issues I thought I might have are just not there. Nothing has changed for me in the way I look at Jenny or the way I feel about her. I'm glad for that.
Jen is an amazingly beautiful person and doesn't need boobs to prove it. I'd rather have Jenny sans boobs than no Jenny any day. All of the things in this life are temporary and constantly changing, and I think the best thing to do is ride the wave and look for that beauty that's hiding in every ugly thing.
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