February 18, 2011

And, scene.

Good day/Bad day?: Chemo day, but LAST chemo day!

Woo-hoo! Nothing about it was super-special, but my PICC line got pulled at the end of it. (Ben documented, so he'll share that in the near future.) No more easy way to mainline hot fudge and coffee! It will feel weird when I'm a couple of weeks out. Right now it doesn't feel like the solid ending because I'll still have a few days of feeling crappy and in pain, and also the radiation decision is not yet made. Next week I see another radiation oncologist, and I should hopefully get more input/opinions from my med & surgical oncologists, too.

So. Sigh. I cannot believe sometimes how much of my life in the last 6 months has been taken over by this. Then sometimes I can't believe that it wasn't worse. I don't like to think back and be scared by any of it, like the surgery and hospitalization and fevers and low counts, but it was scary. But I also never felt like I was at death's door, so there's that--just sometimes a miserable, sad sack!

There has been a lot of loss in that time, too. Tangible losses of loved ones, tangible losses of body parts, less tangible losses of security and confidence in my body and what will come, and so much more. I trust myself and my ability to make good decisions and all that, but I currently don't trust my brain for good, solid thinking because I feel the "chemo brain" effects.

But plenty of good, too. People have come out of the woodwork, friendships have been solidified and strengthened (some have flaked or backed away but that's okay, too)--people are overall very good and kind. It's sad that I've come to expect selfishness in this world sometimes, so this was a good reminder that people will just help because they care, not because they want something in return.

Well, that's enough introspection for now. Bye-bye, death chemicals. Won't miss you...

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