October 6, 2011


Okay, a recap of the last week-ish...

Olive:  Miss T. R. Ubble got back to walking without holding on a week after the cast was off, and is now trying to "run" (fast walking) and doing stairs.  She still has a limp at times, wears a brace similar to her cast at night and is being a very good sport about that.  With walking comes the re-discovery that she can make everything take 5 times longer than normal if she keeps moving.  Also, she feels like hitting, which brings us to her her first time-outs.  The other day I just felt like asking her why she hit me, and she answered "I'm sassy."  Yes.  Yes you are.  But even tonight was better--I think she just needed to retest her boundaries.

Whatever spell you need to cast, my darling-- suddenly I want to give you cookies for every meal, let you drive the car, move back bedtime a few hours...

Me: Oh, it's been action-packed, alright!  Had a nice long weekend enjoying the fall colors with Monica (thankyouthankyou).  We had all these grand plans of staying up late and acting like 20-yr-olds, and then we wound up going to bed early every night.  But it was very relaxing (aside from the 15-mile hike, but that wound up being good, too...).  Thanks to Kathy & Bruce for letting me get away and giving Ben a break, too!  Then medical oncology appt yesterday afternoon, which was fine--I made her walk through a hypothetical recurrence since that's where my mind jumps sometimes...  Then last night Julie took me to see Wilco--great show, nice dinner with friends before.  And then next week I have my next round of ovarian cancer screening (every 6 months), and then some OT to get back on top of my arm swelling, and then a cancer conference...  And then I am taking tomorrow off.

Which brings me to my "cleaning house" time.  For one, I am going to try therapy.  I am equipped to know myself pretty well, but not enough to be able to break out of my own thought patterns and give myself a whole new perspective.  This has been a lot to process, if I may take a moment to make you say "duh".  And then we come to my office.  I think I've 'fessed up here before about its state of disarray, and the fact that it been like that for years.  I'm coming to the realization that if I hadn't allowed myself to have that space of chaos the last 5-ish years, there is likely no way I could have kept the rest of my life orderly enough to keep functioning .  There have been a few losses of very important people to me and enough other major life events to keep me scrambling, and then throw in the cancer and you have a literal mess.  And a mess I haven't had the strength to deal with, because that also means getting rid of/letting go of some things, ascribing meaning to a lot of things... That takes a lot of psychic energy. 

We'll see how far I get tomorrow.

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