December 14, 2010

Holiday. Celebrate.

Good day/Bad day?: pretty good

Better than yesterday. The pain was a lot less today. I was just very tired because Olive had a restless night.

People keep asking about the holidays--if I'm excited, if we're doing much, if it's going to be a big deal for Olive... I have to apologize, because this year the holidays aren't going to amount to much for us. This year is obviously full of distractions, and Olive's going to be too young to know enough of what's going on. I have treatment on the 23rd, so I'll likely have symptoms through that weekend. Then my counts are at their lowest on my weekend off, which is when I would think about travelling up north to see my dad, but I probably shouldn't be travelling if I'm at risk of picking up anything. Lame, I know, but that's the theme of all this cancer nonsense so far. We'll have Ben's family come here for x-mas eve, and that's about it for us.

It's sad, because I just don't have the traditions anymore. Ben's family has some, but for me it's been a long time anyway, what with divorce, moves, all that jazz in the last 20 years. Now with losing more family members it gets harder to hold onto those things. I've had some x-mas years without mom, but this will be my first without any grandparents of my own left. Now we'll have to create our own family traditions, but this year I just don't have the energy to do that. I can't help but feel bad...

While I'm talking about her, here's to you, Gram--you will be sorely missed this Christmas! (This is her & Olive on Valentine's Day.)


merry said...

What a precious picture!It's a keepsake for sure!I know exactly what you mean about making new traditions - life changes are just that.Changes in ways we don't anticipate.Divorce,death,moves,you don't even send out holiday cards because you don't want to be Ms.Doom and Gloom.But then I light a candle in honor of my mom,look at a picture of her and remember the wonderful, numerous holidays I had with her and I'm grateful.Yes,I celebrate in different ways, with no partner but with children and grand children and find the beauty and comfort in that.Memories can be so healing - both in the remembering and in building new ones.So,build some new memories for Olive to look back at - take pictures like the one with your grandma for her to pour over in years to come.Light candles to fill your room and your heart with warmth and love and sit in as much peace as a one-year-old allows!!! And know that you are loved!

Jen said...

BTW, sorry about the weird layout...just isn't working as I'd like!

Ben said...

I fixed the formatting for you.

Your Nrrd Husband