Good day/Bad day?: Okay
Made it through the whole day of work, including team-teaching a class that went pretty well. I did feel pretty heavy-headed for a while this AM. I'm thinking that the more distracted I am, the better. That, or Tuesdays will just be better days than the previous ones. Hoping there is a different pattern that emerges, because that's half my week down the toilet right there!
Today my therapeutic diet in the AM was grease (bacon, egg, & cheese bagel sandwich from work) and coffee--you may cringe, but it worked for some reason! Again, very similar to pregnancy. The tough part is that I'm supposed to take the chemo pills on an empty stomach an hour before eating, so there's a window there to just feel empty and get more nauseous. While drinking a pool-full of water. Awesome!!!! But really, today was better.
Oh, I forgot to say that yesterday was a little strange when we were at Olive's pediatrician appt--I've forgotten what it's like to newly tell people that I have cancer b/c pretty much everyone in my day-to-day has known for a while. It was touching to see how genuinely shocked and sympathetic she was since that initial shock of the news has worn off for me. It may sound weird, but it's good for me occasionally to remind myself of what the hell is going on here. That, and I had a moment last night of just sitting next to Olive's bed and watching her sleep--an even better reminder of why I'm putting my body through this. One of those moments where your heart just wants to burst.
I think back a lot on what my mom might have gone through for her cancer rounds, and it's hard. Of course, she was at a totally different place in life--50yo, kids left the nest, no longer married. I think about how totally oblivious I was to a lot of her treatments, surgeries, recovery, etc. (I would have been 20 at the start). She was also stubbornly independent and resistent to having her kids coming to care for her. I now know what it's like to sit through all the appts and in all the waiting rooms and can only imagine emotionally what it was like for her. We were there for some of it, but really only a small portion. It makes me sad. I'm trying not to question her choices because she did things the way she needed to, but it's hard not to feel some regret there, too (and that's something I try to work my way through pretty quickly in general). But I understood her rationale then for avoiding chemo, and I know that everybody has a different idea of acceptable risk for recurrence/2nd cancer. I wish she was still here to talk it through so I could dig a little deeper. But we're bonded anyway, and we were without this!
August 31, 2010
August 30, 2010
Coming around
Good day/Bad day?: Not outstanding, but better than yesterday
First of all, a very Happy 18th Birthday to my niece Ashlie! Thank you so much for being here to help, esp on a day like today when Olive had to stay home again--you're hanging in there well...
Good news/bad news for the little peanut--her weird rash/fever thing is not contagious and she can go back to day care tomorrow and get back to her routine, but she does have another ear infection!
I'm having a little better day. Rough in the AM and a little touch & go at times with the nausea, but otherwise was able to get out to my appt and Olive's. (I had my port checked 1 week out, looks good.) I think I'll adapt to this soon enough. So far it's a lot like my morning/all-day sickness with pregnancy, so I just have to get back in that mindset and develop my strategies to make it through the day. I have to find the foods that sit well no matter what (it was Belgian waffles with fruit and whipped cream for a while back then...). Going to try to go back to work tomorrow, not sure what my expectations are for that.
FIL Bruce had a good reminder--if I've been feeling the way I have, imagine how the cancer cells are feeling! I'll try to envision them with little bulls-eyes on them.
First of all, a very Happy 18th Birthday to my niece Ashlie! Thank you so much for being here to help, esp on a day like today when Olive had to stay home again--you're hanging in there well...
Good news/bad news for the little peanut--her weird rash/fever thing is not contagious and she can go back to day care tomorrow and get back to her routine, but she does have another ear infection!
I'm having a little better day. Rough in the AM and a little touch & go at times with the nausea, but otherwise was able to get out to my appt and Olive's. (I had my port checked 1 week out, looks good.) I think I'll adapt to this soon enough. So far it's a lot like my morning/all-day sickness with pregnancy, so I just have to get back in that mindset and develop my strategies to make it through the day. I have to find the foods that sit well no matter what (it was Belgian waffles with fruit and whipped cream for a while back then...). Going to try to go back to work tomorrow, not sure what my expectations are for that.
FIL Bruce had a good reminder--if I've been feeling the way I have, imagine how the cancer cells are feeling! I'll try to envision them with little bulls-eyes on them.
August 29, 2010
Not a fan
Good day/Bad day?: I vote for bad
Yesterday actually wasn't to bad, just a few nausea waves, and a busy day with Ben's parents (including Olive's first wading pool time). At the end of the night, my niece Ashlie came to join us for the week (through Fri) and lend a hand. Special thank you for coming during your 18th b-day! We also thought we were savvy to Olive's issues, since she was better and had sprung 2 upper molars!
But today was another day... A lot of nausea and got sick a couple of times, very washed out. Olive's back to being sick, too--rash, fever coming back, projectile vomiting tonight. That's all I'm going to say for now. Goodnight.
Yesterday actually wasn't to bad, just a few nausea waves, and a busy day with Ben's parents (including Olive's first wading pool time). At the end of the night, my niece Ashlie came to join us for the week (through Fri) and lend a hand. Special thank you for coming during your 18th b-day! We also thought we were savvy to Olive's issues, since she was better and had sprung 2 upper molars!
But today was another day... A lot of nausea and got sick a couple of times, very washed out. Olive's back to being sick, too--rash, fever coming back, projectile vomiting tonight. That's all I'm going to say for now. Goodnight.
August 27, 2010
First time for everything...
Good day/Bad day:? bad, but not as bad as it could've been
Olive still has a fever, so Julie was nice enough to stay with her today while we went in for my appt. I went in at 9, saw the MD, and then promptly waited for quite a while. I finally got my first chemo treatment started at about noon. The one I get IV every week is only going to take about 15 min to get, but they draw labs first and you have to wait for the results, and they also give you oral meds to prevent nausea. The treatment itself was fine, just felt a little heavy-headed afterward.
About 3 PM I just got so tired I couldn't stay awake and took a nap, and then when I woke up I was kind of a waxy green/gray color. Nausea's been fluctuating throughout the evening but I was able to eat. I was thinking about napping again, but then Ben & Olive were going for a walk and I joined them. Glad I did--it improved my color for a little while. It's going to take a lot of outside motivation to get me up and moving for a walk or something every day...
It's really hard to anticipate anything more. Typically when you get chemo infusions, it takes about 2-3 days to clear your system and then is gone, but I'm also taking an oral chemo pill every day, so the side effects they talk about will not fall into the typical timelines. And with the pill, I'm supposed to drink like a fish every day (12 cups or so) b/c it's "not supposed to sit in your bladder too long". Comforting, eh?
Hoping tomorrow is less green and not more...
Olive still has a fever, so Julie was nice enough to stay with her today while we went in for my appt. I went in at 9, saw the MD, and then promptly waited for quite a while. I finally got my first chemo treatment started at about noon. The one I get IV every week is only going to take about 15 min to get, but they draw labs first and you have to wait for the results, and they also give you oral meds to prevent nausea. The treatment itself was fine, just felt a little heavy-headed afterward.
About 3 PM I just got so tired I couldn't stay awake and took a nap, and then when I woke up I was kind of a waxy green/gray color. Nausea's been fluctuating throughout the evening but I was able to eat. I was thinking about napping again, but then Ben & Olive were going for a walk and I joined them. Glad I did--it improved my color for a little while. It's going to take a lot of outside motivation to get me up and moving for a walk or something every day...
It's really hard to anticipate anything more. Typically when you get chemo infusions, it takes about 2-3 days to clear your system and then is gone, but I'm also taking an oral chemo pill every day, so the side effects they talk about will not fall into the typical timelines. And with the pill, I'm supposed to drink like a fish every day (12 cups or so) b/c it's "not supposed to sit in your bladder too long". Comforting, eh?
Hoping tomorrow is less green and not more...
August 26, 2010
Wigging out!
Ha! Get it? It's funny 'cause...
Groan.
Good day/Bad day?: Pretty good
A la the title, I started the day with my wig fitting appt. Oh wait, actually it started at home with Olive waking up with a fever and Ben trying to figure out a suitable arrangement for work/home/baby care. He stayed home, and I went to work after the wig.
So...judging by Ben's reaction, it's obviously not the same as my current hair. I went a little lighter, figuring it'll be fall and winter, I'll be paler, darker might not be good. They do not have wigs that mimic natural waves--it's either straight or full curl. I'm okay with it, and actually think it could grow on me. Of course, it'll fit a little differently when my hair's gone and it's hard to tell how comfortable it will be. But, it's from the Raquel Welch collection...(Hint: it's in the Vibralite Sheer Indulgence collection, but don't feel compelled to Google and guess unless you're bored!) The woman doing the fittings was very nice.
Not sure when I'll post pics of it.
Myra's last evening of helping us--thank you so much! It's nice to have someone who's both a professional and a natural. Congrats on the successful job search, too.
Then there's tomorrow. That's all there is to it. I want to just get it over with to get through the anticipation. Hoping we don't have to bring Olive back to the doctor, too.
Groan.
Good day/Bad day?: Pretty good
A la the title, I started the day with my wig fitting appt. Oh wait, actually it started at home with Olive waking up with a fever and Ben trying to figure out a suitable arrangement for work/home/baby care. He stayed home, and I went to work after the wig.
So...judging by Ben's reaction, it's obviously not the same as my current hair. I went a little lighter, figuring it'll be fall and winter, I'll be paler, darker might not be good. They do not have wigs that mimic natural waves--it's either straight or full curl. I'm okay with it, and actually think it could grow on me. Of course, it'll fit a little differently when my hair's gone and it's hard to tell how comfortable it will be. But, it's from the Raquel Welch collection...(Hint: it's in the Vibralite Sheer Indulgence collection, but don't feel compelled to Google and guess unless you're bored!) The woman doing the fittings was very nice.
Not sure when I'll post pics of it.
Myra's last evening of helping us--thank you so much! It's nice to have someone who's both a professional and a natural. Congrats on the successful job search, too.
Then there's tomorrow. That's all there is to it. I want to just get it over with to get through the anticipation. Hoping we don't have to bring Olive back to the doctor, too.
August 25, 2010
Riding it out
Good day/bad day?: Good, but long
Just trying to prioritize...It's hard to think that I have one more day of feeling like I'm used to feeling, and then the rest is just unknown. There are always stories I hear of people who just "sail through" their chemo and don't miss work, don't feel that bad, etc. At this point I think it's more helpful for me to expect it to not be so great so that I won't feel I'm letting myself and others down when I peter out.
Had a farewell for a coworker today that has always been special to me. She was the nurse working with my mom as she was dying, then became my preceptor when I started in hospice and was always a "go-to" for me. I always knew she was looking out for me, and I hope I was able to return the favor sometimes. I'll miss working with you...
So, any guesses what kind of wig I'll pick tomorrow??? Stay tuned (or maybe I'll surprise you down the road). I also may go to Gilda's Club tomorrow to check it out. We'll see--I feel like I've got a countdown on my time & energy right now, so that may not be how I choose to spend it tomorrow.
Just trying to prioritize...It's hard to think that I have one more day of feeling like I'm used to feeling, and then the rest is just unknown. There are always stories I hear of people who just "sail through" their chemo and don't miss work, don't feel that bad, etc. At this point I think it's more helpful for me to expect it to not be so great so that I won't feel I'm letting myself and others down when I peter out.
Had a farewell for a coworker today that has always been special to me. She was the nurse working with my mom as she was dying, then became my preceptor when I started in hospice and was always a "go-to" for me. I always knew she was looking out for me, and I hope I was able to return the favor sometimes. I'll miss working with you...
So, any guesses what kind of wig I'll pick tomorrow??? Stay tuned (or maybe I'll surprise you down the road). I also may go to Gilda's Club tomorrow to check it out. We'll see--I feel like I've got a countdown on my time & energy right now, so that may not be how I choose to spend it tomorrow.
Quick update
Hi, just wanted to let you know that Ben & I stayed up too late watching a movie last night, so no post. Port site is less sore, now just feels bruised. We'll catch up tonight!
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